Memories

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in the latter part of May 2005. The tumor was inoperable and the doctors started radiation therapy in June and then chemotherapy in July. They ravaged her body and left her immune system in tatters.   She had a hard time breathing, due to the cancer, and was on oxygen, which made even the simplest things difficult.   I spent three weeks with her in July, to help with her basic daily tasks.  It also was a chance for her to get to meet her first grandchild.   We live in Oregon and she lived in Florida and due to work schedules, lack of money, and timing, we just hadn't made the trip.  She did get to meet a nine month old Frankie.  I am so thankful for that, but she couldn't hold her very much because of her health and because of possible exposure to the chemo.  I have one picture of the two of them together.  Honestly, her illness caught us all by surprise.  It's progression was so fast, and the doctors were very vague about her prognosis.  I returned to Oregon the very end of July/ beginning of August, with the intention of returning in two weeks, to stay for another three weeks.  In the meantime, my sister was going to be coming, from Pennsylvania, in a week to help out.  We had it all planned.  Both of us (my sister and I) were going to switch up while my mom was going through the various treatment courses.  I think we had it mapped out all the way through September.  We never got that far.  A week after I left my mother died from complications resulting from the therapies.  One of the last things she said was wishing me a happy 1st wedding anniversary (the main reason I returned to Oregon) on August 7th.  She was gone the morning of the 9th.  I miss her.  I wish she had gotten to meet her two other granddaughters.

It's difficult to explain to my little ones who their grandmother was, and how much she would have loved them.  How do you break down into words, a person and their life so that it is understandable and coherent?  My mother was a very complicated woman, as was our relationship, but I do want to focus on the positive things that I remember.  Hopefully that will, in some small way, help my girls feel connected to their Grandmother.

My mother was an avid gardener.  I have very fond memories of our backyard garden, where I grew up.  The main thing I wanted, in my own 'grown up' garden, was to incorporate flowers that my mother loved.  So we have Bleeding Hearts and Sweet Williams, Echinea, and hopefully soon, some Black Eyed Susans (or, like my mom used to say 'Black eyed Susies').  We also have a wild Butterfly Bush and it's many offspring,  rambling Roses and most other cottage garden flowers.  My main goal is to instill in my children values like the love of growing, and taking care of things, appreciating beauty and understanding that with life, comes death.  Hopefully, I will create positive memories for them that they can have their whole lives and that my mother will be a part of that.
I love you, Mom.